"But it's YOU!!"
ummmm? Our society often likes to blame struggles in
relationships on one person and this song is just one example. Is this
always the case, or only sometimes? Is it hard to believe that "it's
US" not you?
In family systems theory, the idea that we are all intertwined is so interesting to me. Many of the problems that
we associate with one person, are actually a response to a greater problem within
the family, or living structure. This intrigued me especially because I feel
like I have experienced this first hand.
I remember there was I time
in my life where I started to feel like I was crazy. There were several things
wrong with my circumstances and connections during that time. There was poor
communication, no sleep, and health problems. Instead of receiving help and
making some changes, I was chastised, and told that it was in my head, and that
I was “crazy”. I was seen as the problem, and so this structure remained, and my
problems remained, until I was removed from it. I didn’t feel like I had done
wrong, yet I felt shamed, and rejected, from those who where the only people at
that time in a position to help me.
I recently read Family System
Theory, from Smith, et al - Exploring Family Theories.
It said: “ "crazy" behavior is the logical
way to respond to a system with dysfunctional rules. Therefore, we see that the
identified patient is often the person in the family who is the healthiest, in
the sense of not wanting to endure dysfunctional rules. Even though it is well known
now that most serious emotional disturbances have a genetic base, just like any
other illness, it is also true that such disorders are most evident in the
families with the highest levels of communication deviance. That is, pathological
communication patterns are stressful and make things worse, where as healthy
rules result in a calmer family life arid, therefore, fewer symptoms in its
members.”
When people are struggling we
often pin point it to the individual. The family systems theory suggest that
emotional, and psychological problems emerge or worsen when a living system is malfunctioning. I believe that many emotional, social, family, mental and
addiction problems need to be understood as what they truly are: not an individual’s
problem, but a community’s problem. What we feel and how we interact with those
around us make a great impact on each other.
I love this video that explains this concept in relation to addictions.
So what is happening say when
someone starts to having panic, depression, or anxiety issues? Is it only their problem? A child, for example, may be
acting out, or having emotional issues. This child may have some mental
problems, and/or there is a structural problem that all the family members are
contributing to. I am in no way invalidating the understanding that people
have serious emotional, hormonal, and mental struggles. But I think in many, if
not most, instances it is not just personal.
When we “put people in cages”
or individualize a problem, we isolate them, and then hinder the connection and
support necessary to heal them. We may not intend to isolate them but when we act
like it’s all on them, or label them as "the problem", or as “crazy”, we detach them. We need to stop seeing our friend and family member's problems as strictly personal. We need to stop asking questions like “What’s
wrong with you?” and instead ask ourselves “What is OUR problem?"
