He Crazy! She Crazy! Me Crazy! WE Crazy!!?? : I got one less problem without YOU?

 Are we interconnected to the struggles and problems of those around us? Is it our friend's, sister's, mother's father's, ex-lover's, boyfriend's, or ourselves that are causing problems in our lives? Should we just cut those people out of our lives, and let them work out "their" issues so they are not "our" problems anymore? 

  

"But it's YOU!!" ummmm? Our society often likes to blame struggles in relationships on one person and this song is just one example. Is this always the case, or only sometimes? Is it hard to believe that "it's US" not you?

   In family systems theory, the idea that we are all intertwined is so interesting to me. Many of the problems that we associate with one person, are actually a response to a greater problem within the family, or living structure. This intrigued me especially because I feel like I have experienced this first hand.

I remember there was I time in my life where I started to feel like I was crazy. There were several things wrong with my circumstances and connections during that time. There was poor communication, no sleep, and health problems. Instead of receiving help and making some changes, I was chastised, and told that it was in my head, and that I was “crazy”. I was seen as the problem, and so this structure remained, and my problems remained, until I was removed from it. I didn’t feel like I had done wrong, yet I felt shamed, and rejected, from those who where the only people at that time in a position to help me.

 I recently read Family System Theory, from Smith, et al - Exploring Family Theories.

 It said:  “ "crazy" behavior is the logical way to respond to a system with dysfunctional rules. Therefore, we see that the identified patient is often the person in the family who is the healthiest, in the sense of not wanting to endure dysfunctional rules. Even though it is well known now that most serious emotional disturbances have a genetic base, just like any other illness, it is also true that such disorders are most evident in the families with the highest levels of communication deviance. That is, pathological communication patterns are stressful and make things worse, where as healthy rules result in a calmer family life arid, therefore, fewer symptoms in its members.”   

When people are struggling we often pin point it to the individual. The family systems theory suggest that emotional, and psychological problems emerge or worsen when a living system is malfunctioning. I believe that many emotional, social, family, mental and addiction problems need to be understood as what they truly are: not an individual’s problem, but a community’s problem. What we feel and how we interact with those around us make a great impact on each other.  I love this video that explains this concept in relation to addictions.

So what is happening say when someone starts to having panic, depression, or anxiety issues? Is it only their problem? A child, for example, may be acting out, or having emotional issues. This child may have some mental problems, and/or there is a structural problem that all the family members are contributing to. I am in no way invalidating the understanding that people have serious emotional, hormonal, and mental struggles. But I think in many, if not most, instances it is not just personal. 

When we “put people in cages” or individualize a problem, we isolate them, and then hinder the connection and support necessary to heal them. We may not intend to isolate them but when we act like it’s all on them, or label them as "the problem", or as “crazy”, we detach them.  We need to stop seeing our friend and family member's problems as strictly personal. We need to stop asking questions like “What’s wrong with you?” and instead ask ourselves “What is OUR problem?"